Submit your own stupid app review

Hey gang, it’s become clear with the amount I write and work being what work is, I don’t quite have the snarky spin I once had with stupid app reviews.

It’s coming off more like safe for tv Bob Saget these days, and I’ve been struggling more and more to find absurdly stupid reviews and seem to have peaked at the low facepalm level.

If you see a stupid app review, shoot me a link to it in the comments to this post. To link to a review on Google Play, click the review, a link will appear, click that. You’ll be taken to a page where the review appears directly underneath the product.

I see you don’t understand security or the legal code

rec screen recorderThese two reviews make me facepalm so hard there are fingerprints on my brain now.

These come from the Rec. Screen Recorder app (root required,) and they’re from people who rate an app 1-star because they want everything done for them.

“If a thing is required for an app to work, you should explain how to get that thing.” We’ll start here. When you purchase a car you’re not given a set of instructions on how to drive, nor get to the gas station.

To obtain root on Android is different for most of the devices out there – on HTCs devices you go to htcdev, unlock the bootloader, flash a custom recovery, flash a superuser binary, and install superuser. Along the way you may need to install some drivers, download a windows service pack, or install an Android software development kit.

Some devices have one-click root methods. Some you have to flash an exploitable firmware and inject code in order to get root. The one-click root methods mean the device is inherently insecure.

“I just don’t believe that no one can write to storage on their card now without modifying xml files in their phone.” – with Android 4.4 they did away with that ability – you can run an app called SDFix that will change those XML files, but you’ll need root. If he’d googled “Android 4.4 sd card” he’d have it in the first couple of entries.

After rating the thing one star, the reviewer then ends the thing with “Couldn’t actually use the app – 1 star.” Congrats sir, you rated an app you couldn’t possibly use because you didn’t meet the minimum requirements, then you wrote in text what that app’s rating you were giving it was. One star. Bravo.

The next review says that rooting your phone is very illegal. Very wrong. So very very wrong. Currently rooting phones and devices for purposes not pertaining to thievery is quite legal.

aLogcat banner

Sometimes I weep for developers

aLogcat hate

There’s a free app with no advertising that reads your log files. This is all the app does. The above user got an MSL number from a log file his Android device produced by using the free app that he downloaded.

After that he then attempted to dial ##4282# which if you’re familiar with Android diag codes looks suspiciously like ##3282# (pound pound D A T A pound.) In fact I’ve never heard of ##4282#, nor evidently has Google.

Now, it should be noted that aLogcat has nothing to do with a carrier’s EPST dialer which that code is. aLogcat produced the magic number he was looking for and produced it correctly.

When his request to go in and edit information was denied (most likely because he’s dialing the wrong number,) he then rated the app one star.

One star for an app that did what it says, didn’t advertise to him or beg for money, retrieved the MSL that was in the logs, did everything that it claimed to do.

Sort of like claiming that a bat was worthless because you didn’t swing.

Bluetooth logo

Bluetooth headset wearers being bluetooth headset wearers

Jabra Assist

Rates 1 star without bothering to try it with an excuse of “oh, well one in five people don’t like it so screw you.” Pretty sure that’s the rationalization the Nazis used.

Rest of the review goes into how he doesn’t like the charger cable for a piece of hardware he bought.

Jabra Extreme Unhappiness

Up at the program description is a list of devices it works with. Guess what’s not on the list? Yup – this person gave a 1-star rating because a piece of software that works for five or six headsets and lists them doesn’t work with one that wasn’t listed.

Knowledge is Power Pixabay user Geralt

Sadness in educational reviews

All of the following come from educational software reviews on Google Play.

mad not daloding

In an incredibly helpful 1-star review. “Happy, yon piumunk!”

big black scware

 

Sadly, this is on an educational application that has nothing to do with learning spelling.

too many video clips

This is on an app that has video clips… a lot of them…

PBS kids is for babies

This is someone using Steve Martin’s name to troll the PBS Kids app. I thought it might be Steve himself for a bit, but checking the linked G+ profile unless he’s really anti Justin Beiber and really into Disney princesses lately, I think this is unfunny trolling is unfunny.

Great the best

This reviewer knows there’s only one star of this review, and that’s the reviewer. Awww yeah, if you can’t rate them properly, make sure to confuse the hell out of them.

 

Anger from Pixabay PublicDomainPictures

In app purchase complaints

Development studios and developers in general release a product, spend countless hours working on said product, and release a free game. They become millionaires right? Not quite. You see in this scenario they’ve made nothing in return from a game or product you’re using.

In the case of most “free” games you can play through and win them if you’re extremely dedicated, or like most of the people who win the games you can finally pay a little to purchase an upgrade inside the application.

This is a very cool model in which you get to try before you buy, however people spend an inordinate amount of space berating developers who might stand to make $5-10 in in-app purchases from a game that you will literally sit and play glued to your device for weeks.

Everyone on the internet seems to feel entitled to everything NOW, FREE, screw you developer, and when their developer goes away they wonder why that person could have been so cruel as to make the thing require payment after a point.

Now, I’ll give you that on children’s games this is an insidious practice. I don’t think there should ever be an app aimed at kids that requires in-apps to progress past a certain point, but these reviewers are, for the most part, adults who would probably like to get paid for their time and effort in producing something.

Anger from Pixabay PublicDomainPictures
My right – free everything – moar the goods!

Imagine a store gave you unlimited free hotdogs but charged for a drink. In this case the drink is you getting better. You can bring your own drink, which makes traveling a little more difficult, or you can purchase a drink from the nice people who are giving you your fix and potentially keep them in business to start an ice cream shop.

Now, there are some complaints that are valid – such as hiding more and more purchases behind a wall in which you only realize there’re more to buy after you’ve plunked down some money, but for the most part complaining about an app trying to make enough money to pay the developer makes the reviewer look stupid.

Yo da

Yo! Yo? Yo!? Yo. Yo :( yo }===)~

Yo is an app that sends the word “yo” to people who have the Yo app. That’s all it does. It’s like poking someone on Facebook in that it’s stupid, but the Yo app doesn’t claim it can do anything other than send a Yo to a Yo user,

Yo?

Basically you have to figure out what the need might be for it and whether the person you’re Yoing has a clue why you’re yoing them. Not hard. You can also be a tool and just keep pressing a button to annoy a friend.

Yo reviews

Hrmm, let’s go through these…

Yo!

#1 positive text, but only 1 star. Somehow I think you’re being disingenuous with your rating. That, or you’re attempting to display the duality of the Yo in a review, since there are two Yo states, much like the Yin-Yang – you have Yo, and not Yo.

#2 there’s nothing that fails quite so bad as failing to properly spell “dumb” in a review. With also getting “it’s” wrong, every single thing this person wrote is incorrect other than their name, I’m assuming.

#3 Yo pretty clearly states it’s “yo” for everything. Someone didn’t read the product description, the internet for the past six months, Comedy Central, etc.

#4 Yo has arisen anger, someone got the wrong context for it.

#5 Ummmm assuming you’ve been in a box for a while, it’s a joke, or a useful tool if all you want to say is yo. This is like arguing that the “why did the chicken cross the road” joke is not funny to a group of people who got it.

#6 our diagnostician friend has come in and given a diagnosis of retardation to people. Which people said diagnostician has diagnosed with retardation remain to be seen, but the guess would be people who downloaded the Yo app, which our diagnostician friend is one of.

Yo??!?

So, for the people who can’t figure out what a Yo app could be useful for – it’s an app that doesn’t waste an SMS to deliver a notification. It also doesn’t require you to pull up a keyboard and type anything. The Yo is delivered and it’s up to the recipient to decide what to do with it.

Ideas just off the top of my head – a yo for when your S/O gets back and needs help unloading groceries, for when the party is on, as an “I love you,” etc. It’s up to you and your Yo-e to figure out a use for it.

I’m not trying to defend the app, but there are plain ass obvious uses for something that looks so stupid and raw and doesn’t use SMS to deliver content.

But yeah, misspelling dumb makes my head hurt.

Trolls ahead

Unfunny trolling is unfunny

Zooisty

While the app Zooistry may not be the game for you, coming in at the opening of an Amazon free app of the day and rating poorly carries a lot of weight.

In this case, a professional troll with a history of bad reviews came in to say something trollish and leave. My guess was the attempt was to be funny, but nope.

The 1-star rating for having a Meerkat as an icon is perhaps the stupidest reason I’ve run across a bad rating this week.

If you’re trolling for fun, don’t change the app’s rating… either go with 3 or 4 stars if you’re unsure. This is just unfunny dickery.

Hell, funny dickery at one star might be forgivable… not this…

Rabbids!

Getting rabbid at Raving Rabbids

Raving Rabbids is a us $0.49 game on Google Play, it’s not for everyone but what is other than water?

Ravings Rabbids Wast of Money

Ok, we’ll skip the spell check nazidom and go to the root of the complaint: this kid bought the game for $0.49, didn’t like it, and when he attempted to return it within the timeframe allowed by Google his father put down his feet and said with a mighty bellow “no son, thou shalt not have thy refund, yea though t’would only take a click you’ve made your purchase, now live with it!”

Seems like the problem here is with the parent, not the game.

Ravings Rabbids Slow to Download

This person has one valid complaint, it freezes too much. There’s a stand there for a one star review, I’ll buy it. The game freezes too much, it’s a one star game. That would be a review.

And then the person complains about this person’s device not being able to download fast over their carrier or WiFi connection.

That’s like getting on Yelp and rating a restaurant one star due to food, and then you had to wait at a stop sign. The second thing has absolutely nothing to do with the first.

Ravings Rabbids Garfield Won't Let Me PlayI may have mentioned that we’re reviewing Raving Rabbids, but for those not following this is a review on Raving Rabbids. Last I checked the Rabbids don’t hate Mondays for no reason, love coffee and lasagna.

Reviews like this drag a rating down and do no good to anyone and make you look like you’re on drugs or hate Mondays for no reason because you’re a cat.

Did I mention this is on the Raving Rabbids game?

Raving Rabbids mom let me pary

I’m torn between “my mom let me pay for it because she loves rabbit” or “my mom let me pray for it…” this review seriously reminds me of random Japanese T-Shirts with English words on them.

Raving Rabbids waste money

These three app reviews from the same day in a row all show one thing – none of these people understand that if something doesn’t work you’ve got 15 minutes to return it.

Many times, since there are a ton of versions of Android out there on tons of devices with craptons of launchers, an app isn’t going to work.

A developer tries to make a game work with everything, but if they can’t they can at least rest assured that if a user downloads it and it doesn’t work that user can get their money back within a 15 minute time period.

Which three in a row didn’t.

Any time you see someone on Google Play saying they bought, downloaded, and lost money because the app wouldn’t work, it’s because they don’t know what they’re doing and how to get a refund.

Also you can rent a Redbox movie for $0.49? That’s news to me as the lowest I can find is $1.20.